Can you imagine what it’s like to be an ICE agent in June 2025?

Probably not, because I imagine the people who read this come equipped with compassion, intelligence, scruples, understanding of democracy and other attributes of positive humanity.

But we are people who see that all of us are real human beings, with imperfections and such. So I guess, intellectually, we know that the ICE agents we see committing these despicable acts against vulnerable immigrants are, uh, people.

So what do you think it takes to be part of the American Gestapo?

There are, according to the Department of Homeland Security, about 20,000 people who work in various capacities for ICE. That’s one in every 17,500 Americans.

Of course, that doesn’t include the local law enforcement types who want to show they can be among the big federal boys.

I can’t imagine anybody who works at ICE was particularly good at civics in school – assuming, of course, they went to school. Maybe that’s a big assumption. They missed the classes about the Constitution – or the classes they had focused only on the Second Amendment to the exclusion of the other 26 (or 27 if you count the Equal Rights Amendment).

When confronted with the concept of due process applying to all persons – you know, that Fifth and Fourteenth Amendment stuff – their brains find it difficult to grasp the concept. So they ignore it – it’s probably easier than actually reading less than 100 words – which might stretch the extent of their vocabulary.

Being fashion forward probably disqualifies you from ICE. You’ve got to wear those drab ersatz military-style outfits as befits wannabe warriors. After bemoaning mask-wearing during the pandemic as freedom-infringing, you have to wear a black one during a long day of scooping up kids and mothers.

Most people in legitimate law enforcement go after what we used to think of as real crimes such as stealing money. That was, of course, before Trump pardoned people convicted of fraud because they or their families like him.

But those legitimate law enforcers are usually pretty proud of who they are and what they do. They’re thought of as brave and even-handed.

So they put stickers in their car saying they’re cops. They show up at festivals and parades. They’re the helpers Mr. Rogers told kids to look for in times of trouble.

What if those kids in trouble listened to Mr. Rogers and ran up to an ICE agent? I imagine they’d be cursing the nicest man in history in their native language from the friendly confines of a South Sudan internment camp.

On Career Day at school, the kids of legitimate law enforcement officers show up with their Moms and Dads in uniform.

What do ICE agent parents do at Career Day? Show up in their khakis, shades and masks? Demonstrate what it feels like to experience a flash grenade? Tell the kids to make sure they have all their papers in order – and take a few with them if they look a little scared?

Assuming that people who work for ICE are family men and the occasional woman. 

I can’t imagine they go to normal bars and church socials to meet people. Who wants to go out with somebody who might send you to El Salvador if the relationship goes sour?

That’s why there’s a lot of thought that ICE agents are incels – involuntary celebates. That makes some sense.

Unless, of course, there’s some app ICE agents use for meeting suitable mates. You swipe left and someone who loves to be dominated shows up as the mate of your dreams. Those handcuffs and twist ties aren’t just for lawn mowers, hamburger cooks and housekeepers. Good times.

And here’s the part about working for ICE that is going to make it unique:

You see, one day, this madness will end. You and I are determined to make that happen. We’ll be about the business of repairing the damage that Trump, Musk, the saps in Congress, the Christian Nationalists and your neighbor with the “Daddy’s Home” flag (I’ve actually seen that!) have done.

These ICE agents will still be of employment age. Except who is going to hire them? An employer and co-workers will always know that so-and-so grabbed defenseless people, hurled them into vans, denied them their rights, and sent them away from the lives they peaceably created and the people they helped.

Not to mention all the days these people will miss from work for testifying in the lawsuits that will brought against them by the hundreds. It’s hard to be a security guard at Walmart when you’re in court four days a week.

Normally, I have a soft spot for people with troubled lives. There but for the grace of God, et cetera.

Except I know I would never betray other human beings and the ideals of American democracy. Not for any amount of money – including the $40,000 bonuses Republicans are trying to give them.

So do I feel bad for these people? Nah.

Do they deserve all the opprobrium they will face for the rest of their lives?

Absolutely.