Donald J. Trump and his sycophants believe that he somehow warrants a Nobel Peace Prize.

(I’ll give you two minutes to roll on the floor laughing.)

Tomorrow, he finds out if that fantasy – about as far-fetched as the Yankees asking me to pinch-hit for Aaron Judge – becomes reality.

The announcement will be made before most of us in the USA get up, although I imagine Trump will be wide awake – breathless, partly in anticipation and partly because people of his girth get winded easily. Unlike the other Nobels, which are announced in Sweden, the peace prize is announced by Norway’s parliament, which votes for the winner shortly before the announcement.

It is possible that there is no winner. The last time that happened was 1972, which wasn’t a particularly good year for peace as I remember.

But that seems unlikely. The Nobel committee says there are 338 candidates for this year’s award, 52 more than last year. I didn’t notice the world becoming more peaceful in the past year, but maybe I missed something. There are 244 individuals and 94 organizations.

Last year, it went to an organization, Nihon Hidankyo, which calls attention to the devastation of nuclear weapons such as the ones used on its home country of Japan in 1945.

We will not know for sure who the winner beat. Let me rephrase that – I won’t ever know who the nominees were unless I somehow live to be 121 years old. That’s because the nominee list isn’t released for 50 years. So if you’re here in 2075 – if, given the state of the world, we survive to 2075 – you’ll find out who the winner beat and who else lost besides Trump.

Assuming he’s a nominee.

I know, there are people who have said they nominated Trump. Leaders of Pakistan and Cambodia say they’ve nominated him. So has U.S. Rep. Buddy Carter, a Georgia Republican.

Which gets to the question: Can anybody nominate someone for the Nobel Peace Prize?

The answer is: almost.

World leaders and their ministers can nominate. Recognized international aid organizations can nominate. So can elected members of national legislative bodies – hence the Buddy Carter thing.

Also, college professors specializing in social sciences can nominate candidates. Which means I missed my chance when I taught journalism at William Paterson University in New Jersey before the pandemic. So, my apologies to Justin Trudeau, Volodymyr Zelenskyy and Jon Stewart.

One other person has said they’ve nominated Trump for the Nobel: Benjamin Netanyahu. He said it in February, something about Trump having deserved it four times. Netanyahu’s chances of winning the Nobel himself are as far-fetched as my pinch-hitting for Judge and hitting a Mason Miller fastball all the way to Citi Field.

The thing is, we can’t be sure Bibi wasn’t blowing smoke up Trump’s oversized rear end. 

First, the two of them won’t be alive when the nominees are announced. Second, if Netanyahu nominated Trump just before the meeting, he won’t be eligible until 2026 – the nominations for this year’s prize had to be in by January 31.

Which isn’t much of a year, frankly.

But assuming there’s going to be a winner, and expecting that the Norwegians haven’t lost their minds, there are some potential laureates who would leave Trump not only disappointed but also apoplectic.

–PLANNED PARENTHOOD: Imagine giving the award to an organization vilified by Trump and MAGA. I would nominate the organization for its efforts to protect the health and freedom of American women in the wake of long-standing suppression and occasional terrorism.

–BLACK LIVES MATTER: This has become a global movement to recognize that Black people are not identity-less zombies – they are individuals with dreams, quirks, loved ones, enterprise, culture and, most important, worth. That will be quite the fit Trump throws if BLM wins.

— ROSIE O’DONNELL: There’s not much chance that she’d win, although her philanthropic work makes her far more eligible for it thanTrump is. But the Truth Social rants would flow like diarrhea for hours.

— JOE BIDEN: Oh, that would be too much. There are probably lots of things Biden has done in his illustrious career to warrant consideration. But making Trump crazy would be enough reason for me.

— GRETA THUNBERG: Now we’re getting a little closer to reality. In fact, I would think she’s the betting favorite if there is one. This young woman has been sounding the alarm about climate change and environmental disaster since she was 15. Her effort to feed Gazans in the midst of Netanyahu’s starvation campaign would qualify her for next year’s prize. 

If she wins, you get a 2-for-1, pissing off both Trump and Netanyahu. Probably Putin, too, since Thunberg supports Ukraine. The idea of Trump in a straitjacket yelling Thunberg needs “anger management” is funny.

— JOSE ANDRES: The Spanish-born chef and noted Trump bête noire deserves this award for what he does when the world goes wrong. War, manmade or natural disaster and pestilence don’t seem to stop Andres and his World Central Kitchen team from feeding desperate people in need. Some cook getting his Nobel Peace Prize would drive Trump to eat an extra Big Mac on Friday morning.

— BARACK OBAMA: Yeah, I know he’s won it. Nobody has won the Nobel Peace Prize twice (although there are people who have won two Nobels in either the same or different categories). All the more reason to give it to him.

Let’s face it, Obama winning the prize is the reason Trump wants it. His Obama envy runs strong – it’s almost paralyzing. He’s on a rampage against democracy and civil order now. Yeah, maybe he’ll try harder, or maybe Obama’s win would crush his spirit and make him mutter his way into resignation.

It will at least spur a full-fledged ketchup attack on the gold-plated Oval Office walls. A guy can dream.