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THE NAME GAME

Here’s how you can tell the summer went by fast:

When it began, the Mets still had a chance to make the playoffs and the Great Lake north of Rochester was Lake Ontario. 

A lot of folks probably thought the Mets were done around Memorial Day. But nobody, not even the cetriolo behind the move, imagined renaming a lake that’s had the same name for almost 400 years.

But then again, Trump is the moron who thought picking a fight with the greatest ally in the history of the world was a good idea.

Trump got the idea for his attempted renaming of the lake after Canada stood up to his mishegas trade negotiations. He was also bothered by the fact that the Canadians have no intention of bailing him out of his war with Iran or dignifying his attempt to take away their sovereignty.

But Trump got away with it because the two most popular map software providers – Google and Apple – gave the toddler his wish. 

It is stunning to see that stupid name on the map, just as it’s stunning to see the name he wants for the Gulf of Mexico. The guy is obsessed with names, gold-plating, money, low-flow showers, Rosie O’Donnell and orange makeup. Not necessarily in that order.

The name itself is bad enough. But, supposedly, these tech companies are all about freedom for the individual. Watch any Tim Cook presentation over the years and that’s all you hear about it – “the way you want it” kinda stuff.

And yet, I spent the whole morning trying to do something that map software used to allow routinely – give places the name that you want.

Usually, I imagine a lot of jilted lovers changing an ex’s address from whatever it is to “Shithead’s Place.” Or a bad restaurant from its name de cuisine to “Cyclospora Unlimited.”

But trying to change the lake back to Ontario just isn’t doable – or at least it isn’t doable for a septuagenerian with low patience disorder.

Nevertheless, I would not stop on changing the lake or the gulf back to its proper name. There are lots of locations that could nomenclature transitions.

— Given his obsession with genitalia and supposed masculinity, I think every bank of urinals in a turnpike service area should be called a Hegseth. As in, “I drank too many beers, I need to go to the Hegseth at the next rest stop.”

— On the West Side Highway in New York is a massive waste treatment plant. I’d like to rename that Laura Loomer Center. How about it, Google?

— There’s a courtyard outside Fox News headquarters of Avenue of the Americas and West 46th Street in Manhattan. It’s where they put up a fake holiday tree every year (notice I didn’t say the C word that they would insist on calling it; it’s my naming convention. Maybe that could be Benedict Arnold or Quisling Plaza in honor of Fox’s contribution to the destruction of American freedom.

— I have two name changes that I’d like to take up with Mayor Zohran Mamdani and the New York City Council. I would rename West 56th Street as Joseph R. Biden Jr. Way. And then Fifth Avenue between 57th and 55th Streets could be Barack Obama Boulevard.

— That would lead to the final name change. There’s a building near the corner of 56th Street and Fifth Avenue. The address is 725 Fifth Avenue. I believe I speak for about three-quarters of the city’s residents in saying the building’s current name is unacceptable. 

To start the process of healing the unnecessary rift with Canada, I would change the name of the building from Trump Tower to Maple Leaf Centre..

Or, to honor the people seeking freedom from around the world, Immigrants’ Haven.

Or, to show compassion for some of those persecuted by this administration, the LGBTQIArium. 

Actually, that’s the only problem with this plan. There’s so many people and places that deserve a landmark name other than what it is now that it would be hard to agree on who would bug Trump the most.

The compromise might be what we say the day he disappears from American life. It’s an odd name for a structure, but everybody will understand.

The Good Riddance.

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YEAR OF THE HORSE’S ASS

Gung Hai Fat Choy!

The lunar new year began Tuesday. It’s the Year of the Horse in the Chinese zodiac, which means that for people born in 1954 – including me – and every 12 years after, it’s our year.

Unfortunately for us, and fortuitously for the People’s Republic of China, it’s also another year of Donald Trump.

Trump was actually born in the Year of the Dog, 1946. But like everything else, he interjects himself into everyone’s life with the finesse of a steamroller. So even though people like me should be celebrating, Trump is trying his damnedest to make sure he’s in as many conversations as any single human can.

Why is this fortuitous for China?

Well, for one thing, no American president has – until now – driven steadfast allies running into the arms of either Xi Jinping and any of his predecessors as General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party. The crown jewel of this debacle has been Canada’s embrace of China as a trade and political party. 

Thanks to Trump, it’s now as easy to go from Toronto to Beijing as it is to go from Toronto to New York. China recently waived visa requirements for Canadian citizens despite a history of not always being welcoming to those folks. And given the way border crossing has become tougher in North America, a Canadian needs his or her passport to go to either China or the U.S.

Because of Trump’s idiotic tariffs – his tariffs should never be described without the adjective “idiotic” – Canada has now increased its purchases of Chinese raw materials and products, while China has decided that Canadian soybeans taste – if’s that what you do with soybeans – better than ones grown in the 50 states.

In addition, Trump’s determination to stomp out vehicles that don’t run on good ol’ drilled-from-the-ground petroleum, Chinese electric cars will soon find their way into Winnipeg, Sudbury and Halifax. And, unless he’s stupid enough to further restrain Canadian-U.S. ties, Trump will be able to tool on his golf cart at Mar-a-Lago while Chinese-built electric vehicles purr on the streets of Palm Beach.

It’s not just Canada. British Prime Minister Keir Starmer recently returned from a productive mission to Beijing.

So we’re driving – literally and figuratively – our greatest historical allies into China’s sphere of influence. That wasn’t exactly the intention.

I think Trump is fine with China aligning with Japan and South Korea – again, among this country’s best allies since the end of World War II. It’s in line with the vision he shares with Xi and their puppetmaster, Vladimir Putin. 

Asia is China’s sphere of influence. Europe is Russia’s – that’s what the Ukraine war is about. A

And Trump wants control of the Western Hemisphere. That’s what the Greenland nonsense is about. That’s what the Canada as 51st state nonsense is about. That’s what the seizing of Venezuela’s Maduro is about.

But by being Trump, Canada isn’t falling sway to his, um, charm. It’s aligning with the slighted Europeans – including such angry nations as Britain, France and Denmark. And if it benefits Canada with the bonus of pissing off Trump, Prime Minister Mark Carney has shown that he’s all in – or “elbows up” as they say up there.

While there are multiple polls showing how politically weak Trump is in the United States, it’s unrealistic to believe he won’t still be president when the Year of the Sheep rolls around on February 6, 2027.

So fighting his dictatorial willhea (that’s a word my father made up to indicate a craving) is going to take a lot of energy in 2026, it’s what we have to do. It’s what we have to keep doing to save the country we believe in.

Honestly, though, I’m all for making a part of Trump a part of this Year of the Horse.

I’ll give you a guess as to which part.

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